Bad Spellers UNTIE!

WELCOME, DEAR READERS, TO SO NICE TO MEDIA!, THE BLOG THAT ASKS THE MUSICAL QUESTION, “WHAT REALLY HAPPENS DURING A LIVE TV BROADCAST OR BEHIND THE SCENES?”

THE ANSWER IS … RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

 

SO NICE TO MEDIA! IS A BLOG TOLD IN SCRIPT FORM, LIKE IN A NEWSCAST.  SHORT, TO-THE-POINT AND REAL.  NO ON-AIR TV PEEPS WERE HARMED, THEY DID IT TO THEMSELVES.

 

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HEARD ON THE AIR:

 

FEMALE ANCHOR:  Part of the elementary school’s curriculum was learning the history of the Western Trail.  The kids also got to eat beans over an open flame and had a visit from a special horse.

 

MALE ANCHOR:  Beans over an open flame and a visit from a “special horse?”  What is that code for — lunch didn’t agree with them?

 

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AS-READ ON THE AIR: 

Dan’s forecast is next.

AS WRITTEN IN THE SCRIPT:

Don’t fire-cast is next.

 

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SCRIPT PAGES POSTED ON THE NEWSROOM BULLETIN BOARD (A.K.A. Hall of Embarrassment):

 

PAGE 1

ANCHOR:  The funeral for the Cardinal was in New York at the St. Patrick’s Day Cathedral.

 

PAGE 2

ANCHOR:  The service for the firefighter was held at the Old Lady of Guadalupe Church.

 

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COPYRIGHT 2013 BY KENT BONHAM

THIS PROGRAM WAS RECORDED

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A Sound Bite Followed By A Really Big Drink

WELCOME, READERS, TO SO NICE TO MEDIA — THE WEBLOG OF LIVE TELEVISION’S HILARIOUS AND SOMETIMES (POTENTIALLY) JOB-ENDING ON THE AIR ANECDOTES WRITTEN ESPECIALLY IN SCRIPT FORM.

 

I DON’T MAKE THIS STUFF UP BECAUSE, IN LIVE TV, ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN AND IT USUALLY DOES. 

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DURING THE GUEST SEGMENT OF THE MORNING “ZOO” SHOW

 

DIRECTOR [INTO MICROPHONE] :  Camera Three, go get me a shot of the Elvis impersonator for the tease.

[Camera three moves and gets a shot of nothing there]

PRODUCER:  What happened?  He was right there a moment ago!  We need him for the tease!

DIRECTOR:  Where’s Elvis?  Where’s Elvis?

ALL IN BOOTH:  “Elvis has left the building!”

FLOOR DIRECTOR:  I’ll go find him!  [Floor Director disappears out of the studio]

DIRECTOR:  Well, hurry up! We’ve only got thirty seconds!

[The Floor Director returns]

FLOOR DIRECTOR:  Elvis is in the bathroom.

TELEPROMPTER OPERATOR:  Whole Lot O’ Shakin’ Goin’ On …!

 

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ON-AIR

ANCHOR:  The Battle of the Bands had a new meaning last night when the opposing teams met during half-time.  A fight broke out, some instruments got broken and several uniforms were missing.  Can you believe that?

WEATHERMAN:  Just hope the bands people weren’t inside the uniforms when they went missing …!

 

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A “HEARD ON-AIR BLAST FROM THE PAST”

ANCHOR:  Can it be said anymore accurately than this about President Clinton’s “mounting” legal costs …?

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ON THE SCRIPT:  The judge sentenced Mister Everen to thirty days.  Everen’s wife is still on the run.

AS READ ON THE AIR:  The judge sentenced Mister Everen to thirty days.  Everyone’s wife is still on the run.

 

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COPYRIGHT 2013 BY KENT BONHAM

 

A Sound Bite in the Backside

WELCOME TO “SO NICE TO MEDIA!” — THE BLOG ABOUT THE CRAZY ANTICS OF WORKING IN LIVE TELEVISION AND THE PEOPLE WHO CAUSE THEM, TOLD IN SCRIPT FORM.  ALL INCIDENTS ARE FACT, BASED ON FACT OR JUST PLAIN MADE UP (BUT, REALLY, YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS STUFF UP!).  YOU GET TO DECIDE.  THE POINT BEING IS THAT IF IT CAN HAPPEN ON LIVE TV, IT CAN, WILL AND PROBABLY ALREADY HAS!

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FROM THE CONTROL BOOTH

DIRECTOR [into microphone]:  Ten seconds, stand-by.  Where’s Dan?

PRODUCER [into microphone] : Dan?  Dan, where are you?  Open your mic. Dan? Talk to me!

WEATHERMAN’S VOICE [atypically echoing]:  I’m seeing a man about a horse!  What is it?

PRODUCER: We’re coming out in five seconds.  You’re voicing the bump back!

DIRECTOR:  Stand by … and MUSIC.

[Music plays]

DIRECTOR:  Open Dan’s mic.

WEATHERMAN’s VOICE: Cloudy, a little precip later today.  We’ll have more later on.

[trickle, trickle]

DIRECTOR:  Kill his mic!!!

{laughter in the booth]

DIRECTOR:  He wasn’t lying, was he?

PRODUCER:  Works for me.

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HEARD ON THE AIR

ANCHOR ONE:  The prosecutor says the owner of a local Chinese restaurant will be in jail for practicing medicine without a license. [pauses, tries keeping a straight face] Charles WANG castrated a man on his kitchen table in his home.  Wang said the man wanted to be castrated because he said the man thought he had a sexually transmitted disease.

ANCHOR TWO:  Didn’t you say you and your wife were going to go there tonight for your anniversary?

ANCHOR ONE [into camera]:  Honey, is McDonald’s OK?

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FROM THE CONTROL BOOTH

[An Engineer on the sound board gets up as another engineer sits down.]

ENG. ONE:  She’s all yours.

[Engineer Two sits down, dons headsets and starts twirling a particular knob on the sound board. A third Engineer walks in.  He smiles at Engineer One]

ENG. ONE [to Eng. Three]:  Always with the “diddle” knob.  Why does he have to be so anal about the sound?

ENG. THREE [whispers]:  What he doesn’t know is, I disconnected that knob just to see if he knows the difference.

ENG. TWO [smiling]:  Ahhhhh!  That sounds a LOT better!

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COPYRIGHT 2013 BY KENT BONHAM.

THIS PROGRAM WAS RECORDED.

Didn’t Stop to Think, Did They?

DEAR READER:

WELCOME TO MY BLOG “SO NICE TO MEDIA.”

WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF LIVE TELEVISION.  WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS TRUE AND NOT SO TRUE, BUT DON’T TRY TO GUESS WHICH. CHANCES ARE, IF ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN ON LIVE TV, IT CAN AND OFTEN DOES. I HAVE SEEN IT MANY TIMES.

BELOW ARE THE FUNNY BITS OF WHAT ACTUALLY DOES HAPPEN TOLD IN SCRIPT FORM BEHIND THE SCENES, IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA, IN THE OFFICE, ON THE PAPER — YOU GET THE PICTURE!

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ANCHOR [to floor crew behind camera]:  Hey, guys, what was the name of that movie about the guy who whose family got killed?

[pause; faint sound of crew voice]

You know, these guys killed his family and he fled to the mountains, met up with a survivalist group and came back to town with them?

[pause; sound of faint crew voice]

No, it wasn’t A Christmas Story …!!!

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ANCHOR GUIDE TO MIS-PRONUNCIATIONS OF NAMES (page 3)

Eddie Brickle – (real name) Edie Brickell

Rebecca Rom-a-jin – (real name) Rebecca Romijn (“romain”)

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ANCHOR: … police came and took everything he had from his home to pay his child support, over $20,000 worth of stuff.  The only thing they didn’t take was the grand piano because the man’s mother was busy playing it at the time.

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ANCHOR:  What are you going to sing for us today, Sandra?

SINGER:  Tu, Solo Tu.  It’s a ranchera song.

ANCHOR:  Sandra Rodriguez, appearing at Cinco De Mayo fest tomorrow night.  Take it away!

[mariachi music starts]

SINGER [sings]: “Mira como ando mi amor

    Por tu querrer.

    Borracha …”

    DA-AMN!  I forgot the words.

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THIS MATERIAL COPYRIGHT 2013 BY KENT BONHAM.

THIS PROGRAM WAS RECORDED

Of Soundbites and Their Teethmarks

DEAR READER:  WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF TELEVISION.  LIVE TELEVISION.  WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS TRUE AND NOT SO TRUE, BUT DON’T TRY TO GUESS WHICH.  CHANCES ARE, IF IT CAN HAPPEN, IT WILL HAPPEN.  I HAVE SEEN IT MANY TIMES.  BELOW ARE THE FUNNY BITS OF WHAT ACTUALLY DOES HAPPEN TOLD IN SCRIPT FORM.

SO, WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF LIVE TELEVISION BEHIND THE SCENES, IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA, IN THE OFFICE, ON THE PAPER … YOU GET THE PICTURE!

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ANCHOR:  Coming up, a man boarded an airplane and died as he was seated. We’ll be right back.

FLOOR DIRECTOR:  OK, we’re clear.  [Commercial plays]

ANCHOR: “Coffee, tea or formaldehyde?”

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PRODUCER:  Tony, we’re going to go to the Blood Bank on the live shot.  Apparently there’s this guy giving his millionth gallon and the bank is making it a big deal.  You know, balloons, paper hats, refreshments, you know the drill.  I don’t have a tease written, just do a generic one, OK?  Just time and temp and a “we’ll be right back.”

[on air]

ANCHOR:  The time is now 8:25 and 47 degrees … there’s power in the blood when we come back.  Stay tuned.

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ANCHOR:  American Idol reject William Hung isn’t going to “hang it up” just yet.  Well-Hung is … (giggle, giggle) I mean Well … HUNG isn’t going to keep it up — I mean GIVE it up.  He’s still com— I mean, GOING to be …

PRODUCER [popping aspirins]:  Long day … VERY long day …

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FROM THE MEMO DESK:

WEATHERMAN:  Dear Everyone:

My wife called from the doctor’s.

He says that she’s pregnant.

I think I’m the daddy.

I need a drink.

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ANCHOR:  … the mayor of the town of Agra will keep the graffiti on the water tower a little while longer saying it’s good publicity.  [turns to co-anchor]  I’m glad they have a sense of humor about the town being re-named “Vi-Agra”

CO-ANCHOR:  But, did it improve the water pressure?

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THIS MATERIAL IS COPYRIGHTED 2013 BY KENT BONHAM

THE PREVIOUS PROGRAM WAS RECORDED.  REALLY!